Life Lessons This Week

The past few weeks a few of my students have been bringing up that I'm single numerous times. Three mentioned two specific people. My initial reaction, to be honest, was to roll my eyes and uncomfortably tell them to change the subject. This week it hit me why they were bringing it up and what bothered me about it and I found the opportunity to talk to them about it (and am continuing to process through it).

They care about me. They see that I'm worth being in a relationship, the "happily ever after" that they're aspiring to have for themselves. They see that end as being the best thing that can happen to me.

What bothers me about it is that, in my opinion, it's focusing on the wrong thing.

Three scenarios, including singleness, came to mind that I shared with my students after asking some questions and articulating that I sense that they care for me.

I started with "Do I seem happy?" In both cases, two different students and two different classes, responded that they saw me as being happy (which I'm glad, since that's how I've felt more often than not). I followed rhetorically, "Besides, being single what do you know about that situation for me?" I went on to kindly tell them that they don't know if I just got out of a bad relationship, if I'm frustrated with dating and taking time for myself, if I'm widowed/divorced, if I plan to remain single my entire life, etc... explaining it's not black and white.

I also brought up married couples I know that have a situation I've seen many times. The inevitable, "When are you going to have kids?/Are you having any more kids?/You have how many kids? You have too many/few kids?" I have some friends that are content in never having kids, some struggling to conceive, some miscarrying... the list goes on. I went to explain that unless I was close enough to them to have them invite me into that part of their lives, that assumptions or even questions coming from a place of caring could be harmful. Each couple has a decision to make and their decision should be supported... if you don't know their story, seek to support what you know of it and be open to them sharing, but not demanding that they share it.

The other situation I referred to is that of pregnant woman. The unasked touching of their bellies, the "you must be having twins," the call being made that they're "too big/small" for how far along they must be, the explaining of labor (some cases without experience), etc... I reminded students again that it's important to help make the pregnant woman feel supported, encourage the new dad/ growing family, and that their interactions could bring joy to them or stress.

I closed telling students that for me, in my singleness, if I want them to be "matchmakers" for me that it's a call for me to make, not them... I reiterated that I saw that interest as a sign that they care and that I appreciate that they care. I told them until/unless I invited them to that to seek to find ways to show that care by encouraging me in continuing to make choices that make me happy in life rather than making the assumption that something different would make me "happier" or "happiest." I reminded them to seek to always encourage those in their life that they care about to continue to be happy and that if they saw signs of unhappiness/depression that those are signs to step in and make changes.

When mentioning this to another staff member, she mentioned the life lessons for the students and I realized that this is something that goes beyond students. The majority of the scenarios dealing with pregnant women and couples with/without kids have been from adults. I doubt that my students came up with "matchmaking" on their own. These are cases that using the blanket "it's because I care," many people say things that can harm and hurt people that they care about.

I know that for myself this was a reminder to seek to encourage growth in others around me through a caring way, to allow them the space to share what they want to share, and to seek not to do/say things out of care that can hurt more than they can help.

Living life to the fullest in the midst of being responsible...

One thought I've had more times than I should this past week has been... when I retire/when I have my bills paid/ when *this happens*/ when *that happens*. I think part of the thought process has been looking at colleagues that are moving to retirement from teaching, changing locations, and even considering how Dad's life has changed as he has lightened what his days look like (he still drives bus, but no longer works as a hired contractor... he's still building their house, though!). Another part of the thought process is probably influenced by my upcoming birthday and the unofficial bucket list that I didn't know I had/am subconsciously planned for that birthday. Sidenote: The culmination of having friends/family that are available at a house on the beach is very exciting :) as well as some other possibilities for the year... and because I like to plan I know where I would like to spend my birthday 5 years later. 

I like looking at what I want to do when life "slows" down, but realized that I should intersperse some of the enjoyable norms of the "whens" now. If I want to travel... find a way to travel within the budget I have-- if I want to go somewhere extravagant save from extra left after bills. If I want to spend time with friends... find simple ways to invest in those friendships now-- not having to wait for breaks/vacation time. Those two can also be connected: I received an one-man tent last summer and want to go hiking... realized that's best done with friends and have some road-trips in mind when time/friends are available. 

This past weekend, because of some of the constraints in my life it limited some of what I was able to do... and yet I feel that I found a way to see some friends that I haven't seen in ~4 years! It was nice to not have anything extravagantly planned and yet the simple was extravagant. I really felt blessed/energized by having authentic conversations about life and catching up on how they have grown since I've seen them. One of the friends lives 4 hours away and reminds me that it's nice to have a change of scenery and that I can survive making a day trip of it (from the time I left my house and left their place that was a little over 24 hours from each other). With that being said... I wake up to teach in about 5 hours... may need more coffee than usual, but I'm optimistic that the time I took for myself was well invested and helps balance the work life. 

Drip pans are an underrated invention...

It's been almost two years since I've posted updates/thoughts on life... the last time that I drafted things to paper was after I finished my summer at Beaver Camp in 2015...

2017... I am in the same town teaching HS music (specifically chorus, piano, and music technology-that's newer... taught it last spring as well). I'm not in the same house... I bought one, instead.

While I was cleaning an oven today (long story short: house did not have appliances... oven was being offered up for free, but was in dire need of cleaning) I lifted the top part of oven that holds the burners. Underneath was so much grease and gunk from who knows when and for who knows how long. I spent a good amount of time putting elbow grease into it and applying all sorts of cleaning techniques (vinegar w/ baking soda, steel wool, cleaning solution, dish soap... the works). It's easy to become discouraged by how much work needs to be done (especially if the goal is to make it fresh with nothing left tarnishing it). It took time, but I got to all of it except for the inside of the oven (which I'm debating setting the self cleaner and then applying the final details to it).

As I began cleaning I had two thoughts about drip pans... 1) why didn't the previous owner use drip pans... it would be much easier to throw away drip pans than to deal with the mess underneath and 2) I will be purchasing drip pans... and need to figure out how to properly clean the electric burners.

Getting an appliance for "free" I'm finding still has it demands. At this point those sacrifices are time, cleaning supplies, and clean finger nails (I always forget to use gloves).

This summer brings a milestone birthday (I tell my students it's my 85th). I have been making plans to celebrate with friends and family and may be making it into a birthday summer (some other opportunities on the horizon). With each day, each semester, each house project, I am hoping to be making better decisions that will allow me to impact those around me rather than to limit that impact. Today I was realizing the blessings I have with my house. It's not perfect. I'll have renovations to do for a while, but I'm learning to enjoy the journey. I hope that with everything that is coming my way currently and, going into another birthday, in the future that I continue to appreciate the everyday blessings, the lessons learned, and continue to strive to make progress happen around me!

Change of perspective.

Last week was one of those weeks. First it started off with an early release day, which I took advantage off to drop off all my tax paper work (using an online tax estimator- I was optimistic to get some money back!), Then Wednesday was a snow day, which I took advantage off relaxing around my place since I gained some days last year teaching.

Then Thursday... woke up with a stomach bug/fever/dizziness combination. Not that bad, but enough that I would have taken a sick day (didn't have to due to snow days Thursday and Friday). I spent the day sleeping a lot and have a low key day. Then Friday- got a call about taxes... I owed money. It was also pay day/day that I pay my bills and again realize how much I owe to loans (college and car).

I definitely took a hit as I focused on the sacrifices I'll make until taxes are paid instead of the fact that I'm able to pay them. I focused on the money I have to pay towards a root canal rather than not being able to afford said root canal. I even looked in the future, in this same pessimistic outlook, at how long I'll be paying on my loans and reveled in some woe is me moments. I'll spare you the details, but the gist is I was in a rotten mood.

"Whatever you do, work at it wholeheartedly as though you were doing it unto the Lord and not merely for people." Colossians 3:23 

At one point during church I felt God reminding me of his call to me, and all believers, to excellence. It's the first of March and I'm looking at how I can make the most out of it. Yes, this month (and next) will be a little financially difficult from paying for taxes and my root canal. Rather than looking at it solely as a difficulty I am looking at what I can still gain in these next few months. I am challenging myself with some financial goals (spend $100/month on groceries/food-shopping once a month) and for excellence in the classroom and housekeeping. Today, on the first of month, I've already done grocery shopping (and cleaned diced/sliced produce and froze it), made Breakfast Granola Muffins, all clean laundry is folded and put away, linen closet is organized, almost all the dishes are cleaned and put away (used some for dinner), I'm blogging (for the first time in a long time... and adding pictures), and most importantly I have motivation to strive to excellence this month. Here's to making March matter!

Produce soaking in water and vinegar to clean them before prepping them to be frozen or used in the next few days!

Breakfast Granola Muffins with Blueberries, Blackberries, and Raspberries :)

Dinner: Asian fusion- Indian Makhani Chicken with Thai Rice Noodles :)

Reflections through Reminiscing

"We can never know what might have been, but what is to come is another matter entirely." -C.S. Lewis

God's sense of humor, particularly his timing in answering desires/thoughts that I have been revisiting, makes itself apparent at times. Lately one of those times has come about and through it I am learning perspective about his sovereignty over my life.

Let me explain. Recently, I was thinking through the past 10 years or so and just thinking about the fact that I tend to not notice certain things, while focused on areas that are a priority at the time.  Except that innately, for me at least, those "unnoticed" occurrences are brought to awareness, years later, and in that revelation my analytical brain starts to try to make meaning to what it meant and then to try to understand how life would have been different had I noticed at the time. I had been having those thoughts and unconsciously asking God if there were any other instances that I had missed.

In a recent conversation I was informed that one major defining moment was not entirely as I saw it, and yet at the same time was exactly as I saw it. What that moment was is in the past and has gone by, yet I found myself visiting the "what if" path and thought process. The crazy thing about that '"what if" path was it was so intricately detailed of how vastly different my life could be at this moment. Those details I had no idea were in existence. That vision included a job, living in a different state, friends, family.... in that vision I saw myself smiling- I even imagined a different hairstyle that I had- as I mentioned intricate. In some ways it's so much easier to yearn for that path because it is so detailed. That yearning in itself of feeling that my life is not where it is supposed to be... is not of God. It's a lie. It's the struggle that continues to try to take hold in my life that God is keeping the best from me. It's the lie that God is not trustworthy and has no purpose for my life (more details possibly on this front based on enneagram results). Instead I need to seek after God desperately.

Currently I am finding myself putting down roots again and it's easy to believe that I'm missing something. As I try to gain my bearings it's easy to look at all the things that aren't in place. The concept that I need to cling to is without God everything is meaningless, as expressed multiple times in Ecclesiastes.

God is the anchor that I need to set my life around, not vice versa. He's always faithful and is able to orchestrate everything "exceedingly and abundantly above all we could hope for and imagine" Ephesians 3:20, he considers us of more value than flowers that are dressed extravagantly and birds are provided with what they need without storing Matthew 6:26-34, and he gives good things (the things that we need) to those who ask them Matthew 7:11.

I need to remember his faithfulness and who he is. I need to seek his perspective and not get caught in the "what ifs"... he knew those paths and has better for me! God is constantly calling and seeking after me, and it has been too easy to miss that fact. The invitation is always there.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I am called to love God Matthew 22:27 and I have a purpose. God does work for the best in my life. In this next season of my life I need to proclaim these truths and accepting God's invitation.

"There are far far better things ahead than anything we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis

This song has been speaking to my heart and I find to be fitting for the truths that I need to be reminded of.

Moving to a new apartment... giving it a name?

Firstly, I am moving to my first, by myself that is, apartment. I am going from unfurnished to furnishing it myself and with some housewarming gifts (received one today- Thanks, Sarah :) and have been offered another). 

I am excited, but am faced with the conflict of need versus want. At this time as I'm nearing moving in, and from many words given by friends and at church, I am questioning motive. When I'm looking at want what is the goal? Is it to create a sanctuary for myself that is welcoming to others or is it to gather likes on facebook? 

I also find the temptation to shop when they conflict with financial goals that I've set: pay for my next car in cash and be done with my private college loan in five years. Buying a cute carpet (the biggest turmoil today) is a luxury and not a necessity. The goal being sought currently is to find a balance between having a space that is hospitable and indulgent. I think it's fine to have nice things, and eventually might have space in my budget, and conscience, to purchase the carpet (or be more frugal and find a gently used cheaper version), but nice things can easily be the goal instead of a purposeful use from them. 

This new apartment means that I'll want to do a deep cleaning and organize as I move out of my current place and into a new one. 

I'm also hoping that with this apartment that I'll be able to start fresh some good habits. At this point there is no tv or internet in the apartment and that is actually quite refreshing and appealing to me. It's so easy to be consumed by media and by stalking others' lives to compare and either feel your life is going better or to be envious of their life- when it's only a snapshot of their life as you only share snapshots of your own. In this apartment I'm hoping to get some good reading done and find ways to connect to the area rather than spend time in avenues that don't really matter. 

I'm also finding the impulse to name my apartment. The only other time that I've had an impulse to name something was my car (her name is Jane, by the way). Any name suggestions (pictures are on facebook) would be appreciated :) 

I'm excited in this transition for the many possibilities, but also hesitant. Being 3.5 hrs away from the nearest family member has been made easier living with another person- there's always the certainty of seeing someone else, outside of working hours. This move reminds me of the fact that there are more connections to be made and stretches me out of the box that I've placed myself in. This move reminds me that I should be more connected to a church than work and once a week. 

These are some prevailing thoughts at the moment. Some worries and anxiety, but also a great opportunity to choose to make some changes with the inevitable changes that the move will create. I have to take this next step and trust that God will continue to be faithful. I hope that I don't miss opportunities in this area and through this move. I pray that I see beyond my concerns and see the concerns of others and how to use what God has given me to reach those around me. 

Dairy reflections.... Whole 30 Re-intro

Dairy was the first food I reintroduced. I had half and half in coffee, cheese at lunch, and froyo for an afternoon snack!

How did it go?

Half and Half: I did not notice any difference except that I was more aware of all of my senses since I knew I was supposed to be looking for my body reacting to dairy.

Cheese: a few hours later after having some with lunch I got a killer headache- although I also wonder if that had to do with the fact that I was outside in freezing rain doing car duty and probably needed to hydrate more. I'll probably give it a try after the reintroduction to see if it was the culprit of the headache, because I do like my cheese.

Froyo: Besides the fact that my stomach was making some noise and I could feel it working, most likely from not having dairy for a month, didn't have any other reactions.

I noticed that I "might" get bloated from Dairy. I checked the scale and was up a few lbs than the lowest of this process, but again I think a lot of this might be from paranoia... I'll definitely be more conscious as I eat foods normally and might have an idea of what to avoid.


Other life tidbits outside whole 30: I got a manicure and pedicure since I got my first accompanying paycheck, am still looking at apartment situations, and life continues on. I will most likely update more about my routine once Whole 30's reintroduction is done.