Life Lessons This Week

The past few weeks a few of my students have been bringing up that I'm single numerous times. Three mentioned two specific people. My initial reaction, to be honest, was to roll my eyes and uncomfortably tell them to change the subject. This week it hit me why they were bringing it up and what bothered me about it and I found the opportunity to talk to them about it (and am continuing to process through it).

They care about me. They see that I'm worth being in a relationship, the "happily ever after" that they're aspiring to have for themselves. They see that end as being the best thing that can happen to me.

What bothers me about it is that, in my opinion, it's focusing on the wrong thing.

Three scenarios, including singleness, came to mind that I shared with my students after asking some questions and articulating that I sense that they care for me.

I started with "Do I seem happy?" In both cases, two different students and two different classes, responded that they saw me as being happy (which I'm glad, since that's how I've felt more often than not). I followed rhetorically, "Besides, being single what do you know about that situation for me?" I went on to kindly tell them that they don't know if I just got out of a bad relationship, if I'm frustrated with dating and taking time for myself, if I'm widowed/divorced, if I plan to remain single my entire life, etc... explaining it's not black and white.

I also brought up married couples I know that have a situation I've seen many times. The inevitable, "When are you going to have kids?/Are you having any more kids?/You have how many kids? You have too many/few kids?" I have some friends that are content in never having kids, some struggling to conceive, some miscarrying... the list goes on. I went to explain that unless I was close enough to them to have them invite me into that part of their lives, that assumptions or even questions coming from a place of caring could be harmful. Each couple has a decision to make and their decision should be supported... if you don't know their story, seek to support what you know of it and be open to them sharing, but not demanding that they share it.

The other situation I referred to is that of pregnant woman. The unasked touching of their bellies, the "you must be having twins," the call being made that they're "too big/small" for how far along they must be, the explaining of labor (some cases without experience), etc... I reminded students again that it's important to help make the pregnant woman feel supported, encourage the new dad/ growing family, and that their interactions could bring joy to them or stress.

I closed telling students that for me, in my singleness, if I want them to be "matchmakers" for me that it's a call for me to make, not them... I reiterated that I saw that interest as a sign that they care and that I appreciate that they care. I told them until/unless I invited them to that to seek to find ways to show that care by encouraging me in continuing to make choices that make me happy in life rather than making the assumption that something different would make me "happier" or "happiest." I reminded them to seek to always encourage those in their life that they care about to continue to be happy and that if they saw signs of unhappiness/depression that those are signs to step in and make changes.

When mentioning this to another staff member, she mentioned the life lessons for the students and I realized that this is something that goes beyond students. The majority of the scenarios dealing with pregnant women and couples with/without kids have been from adults. I doubt that my students came up with "matchmaking" on their own. These are cases that using the blanket "it's because I care," many people say things that can harm and hurt people that they care about.

I know that for myself this was a reminder to seek to encourage growth in others around me through a caring way, to allow them the space to share what they want to share, and to seek not to do/say things out of care that can hurt more than they can help.

Living life to the fullest in the midst of being responsible...

One thought I've had more times than I should this past week has been... when I retire/when I have my bills paid/ when *this happens*/ when *that happens*. I think part of the thought process has been looking at colleagues that are moving to retirement from teaching, changing locations, and even considering how Dad's life has changed as he has lightened what his days look like (he still drives bus, but no longer works as a hired contractor... he's still building their house, though!). Another part of the thought process is probably influenced by my upcoming birthday and the unofficial bucket list that I didn't know I had/am subconsciously planned for that birthday. Sidenote: The culmination of having friends/family that are available at a house on the beach is very exciting :) as well as some other possibilities for the year... and because I like to plan I know where I would like to spend my birthday 5 years later. 

I like looking at what I want to do when life "slows" down, but realized that I should intersperse some of the enjoyable norms of the "whens" now. If I want to travel... find a way to travel within the budget I have-- if I want to go somewhere extravagant save from extra left after bills. If I want to spend time with friends... find simple ways to invest in those friendships now-- not having to wait for breaks/vacation time. Those two can also be connected: I received an one-man tent last summer and want to go hiking... realized that's best done with friends and have some road-trips in mind when time/friends are available. 

This past weekend, because of some of the constraints in my life it limited some of what I was able to do... and yet I feel that I found a way to see some friends that I haven't seen in ~4 years! It was nice to not have anything extravagantly planned and yet the simple was extravagant. I really felt blessed/energized by having authentic conversations about life and catching up on how they have grown since I've seen them. One of the friends lives 4 hours away and reminds me that it's nice to have a change of scenery and that I can survive making a day trip of it (from the time I left my house and left their place that was a little over 24 hours from each other). With that being said... I wake up to teach in about 5 hours... may need more coffee than usual, but I'm optimistic that the time I took for myself was well invested and helps balance the work life. 

Drip pans are an underrated invention...

It's been almost two years since I've posted updates/thoughts on life... the last time that I drafted things to paper was after I finished my summer at Beaver Camp in 2015...

2017... I am in the same town teaching HS music (specifically chorus, piano, and music technology-that's newer... taught it last spring as well). I'm not in the same house... I bought one, instead.

While I was cleaning an oven today (long story short: house did not have appliances... oven was being offered up for free, but was in dire need of cleaning) I lifted the top part of oven that holds the burners. Underneath was so much grease and gunk from who knows when and for who knows how long. I spent a good amount of time putting elbow grease into it and applying all sorts of cleaning techniques (vinegar w/ baking soda, steel wool, cleaning solution, dish soap... the works). It's easy to become discouraged by how much work needs to be done (especially if the goal is to make it fresh with nothing left tarnishing it). It took time, but I got to all of it except for the inside of the oven (which I'm debating setting the self cleaner and then applying the final details to it).

As I began cleaning I had two thoughts about drip pans... 1) why didn't the previous owner use drip pans... it would be much easier to throw away drip pans than to deal with the mess underneath and 2) I will be purchasing drip pans... and need to figure out how to properly clean the electric burners.

Getting an appliance for "free" I'm finding still has it demands. At this point those sacrifices are time, cleaning supplies, and clean finger nails (I always forget to use gloves).

This summer brings a milestone birthday (I tell my students it's my 85th). I have been making plans to celebrate with friends and family and may be making it into a birthday summer (some other opportunities on the horizon). With each day, each semester, each house project, I am hoping to be making better decisions that will allow me to impact those around me rather than to limit that impact. Today I was realizing the blessings I have with my house. It's not perfect. I'll have renovations to do for a while, but I'm learning to enjoy the journey. I hope that with everything that is coming my way currently and, going into another birthday, in the future that I continue to appreciate the everyday blessings, the lessons learned, and continue to strive to make progress happen around me!

Change of perspective.

Last week was one of those weeks. First it started off with an early release day, which I took advantage off to drop off all my tax paper work (using an online tax estimator- I was optimistic to get some money back!), Then Wednesday was a snow day, which I took advantage off relaxing around my place since I gained some days last year teaching.

Then Thursday... woke up with a stomach bug/fever/dizziness combination. Not that bad, but enough that I would have taken a sick day (didn't have to due to snow days Thursday and Friday). I spent the day sleeping a lot and have a low key day. Then Friday- got a call about taxes... I owed money. It was also pay day/day that I pay my bills and again realize how much I owe to loans (college and car).

I definitely took a hit as I focused on the sacrifices I'll make until taxes are paid instead of the fact that I'm able to pay them. I focused on the money I have to pay towards a root canal rather than not being able to afford said root canal. I even looked in the future, in this same pessimistic outlook, at how long I'll be paying on my loans and reveled in some woe is me moments. I'll spare you the details, but the gist is I was in a rotten mood.

"Whatever you do, work at it wholeheartedly as though you were doing it unto the Lord and not merely for people." Colossians 3:23 

At one point during church I felt God reminding me of his call to me, and all believers, to excellence. It's the first of March and I'm looking at how I can make the most out of it. Yes, this month (and next) will be a little financially difficult from paying for taxes and my root canal. Rather than looking at it solely as a difficulty I am looking at what I can still gain in these next few months. I am challenging myself with some financial goals (spend $100/month on groceries/food-shopping once a month) and for excellence in the classroom and housekeeping. Today, on the first of month, I've already done grocery shopping (and cleaned diced/sliced produce and froze it), made Breakfast Granola Muffins, all clean laundry is folded and put away, linen closet is organized, almost all the dishes are cleaned and put away (used some for dinner), I'm blogging (for the first time in a long time... and adding pictures), and most importantly I have motivation to strive to excellence this month. Here's to making March matter!

Produce soaking in water and vinegar to clean them before prepping them to be frozen or used in the next few days!

Breakfast Granola Muffins with Blueberries, Blackberries, and Raspberries :)

Dinner: Asian fusion- Indian Makhani Chicken with Thai Rice Noodles :)

Reflections through Reminiscing

"We can never know what might have been, but what is to come is another matter entirely." -C.S. Lewis

God's sense of humor, particularly his timing in answering desires/thoughts that I have been revisiting, makes itself apparent at times. Lately one of those times has come about and through it I am learning perspective about his sovereignty over my life.

Let me explain. Recently, I was thinking through the past 10 years or so and just thinking about the fact that I tend to not notice certain things, while focused on areas that are a priority at the time.  Except that innately, for me at least, those "unnoticed" occurrences are brought to awareness, years later, and in that revelation my analytical brain starts to try to make meaning to what it meant and then to try to understand how life would have been different had I noticed at the time. I had been having those thoughts and unconsciously asking God if there were any other instances that I had missed.

In a recent conversation I was informed that one major defining moment was not entirely as I saw it, and yet at the same time was exactly as I saw it. What that moment was is in the past and has gone by, yet I found myself visiting the "what if" path and thought process. The crazy thing about that '"what if" path was it was so intricately detailed of how vastly different my life could be at this moment. Those details I had no idea were in existence. That vision included a job, living in a different state, friends, family.... in that vision I saw myself smiling- I even imagined a different hairstyle that I had- as I mentioned intricate. In some ways it's so much easier to yearn for that path because it is so detailed. That yearning in itself of feeling that my life is not where it is supposed to be... is not of God. It's a lie. It's the struggle that continues to try to take hold in my life that God is keeping the best from me. It's the lie that God is not trustworthy and has no purpose for my life (more details possibly on this front based on enneagram results). Instead I need to seek after God desperately.

Currently I am finding myself putting down roots again and it's easy to believe that I'm missing something. As I try to gain my bearings it's easy to look at all the things that aren't in place. The concept that I need to cling to is without God everything is meaningless, as expressed multiple times in Ecclesiastes.

God is the anchor that I need to set my life around, not vice versa. He's always faithful and is able to orchestrate everything "exceedingly and abundantly above all we could hope for and imagine" Ephesians 3:20, he considers us of more value than flowers that are dressed extravagantly and birds are provided with what they need without storing Matthew 6:26-34, and he gives good things (the things that we need) to those who ask them Matthew 7:11.

I need to remember his faithfulness and who he is. I need to seek his perspective and not get caught in the "what ifs"... he knew those paths and has better for me! God is constantly calling and seeking after me, and it has been too easy to miss that fact. The invitation is always there.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

I am called to love God Matthew 22:27 and I have a purpose. God does work for the best in my life. In this next season of my life I need to proclaim these truths and accepting God's invitation.

"There are far far better things ahead than anything we leave behind." -C.S. Lewis

This song has been speaking to my heart and I find to be fitting for the truths that I need to be reminded of.

Moving to a new apartment... giving it a name?

Firstly, I am moving to my first, by myself that is, apartment. I am going from unfurnished to furnishing it myself and with some housewarming gifts (received one today- Thanks, Sarah :) and have been offered another). 

I am excited, but am faced with the conflict of need versus want. At this time as I'm nearing moving in, and from many words given by friends and at church, I am questioning motive. When I'm looking at want what is the goal? Is it to create a sanctuary for myself that is welcoming to others or is it to gather likes on facebook? 

I also find the temptation to shop when they conflict with financial goals that I've set: pay for my next car in cash and be done with my private college loan in five years. Buying a cute carpet (the biggest turmoil today) is a luxury and not a necessity. The goal being sought currently is to find a balance between having a space that is hospitable and indulgent. I think it's fine to have nice things, and eventually might have space in my budget, and conscience, to purchase the carpet (or be more frugal and find a gently used cheaper version), but nice things can easily be the goal instead of a purposeful use from them. 

This new apartment means that I'll want to do a deep cleaning and organize as I move out of my current place and into a new one. 

I'm also hoping that with this apartment that I'll be able to start fresh some good habits. At this point there is no tv or internet in the apartment and that is actually quite refreshing and appealing to me. It's so easy to be consumed by media and by stalking others' lives to compare and either feel your life is going better or to be envious of their life- when it's only a snapshot of their life as you only share snapshots of your own. In this apartment I'm hoping to get some good reading done and find ways to connect to the area rather than spend time in avenues that don't really matter. 

I'm also finding the impulse to name my apartment. The only other time that I've had an impulse to name something was my car (her name is Jane, by the way). Any name suggestions (pictures are on facebook) would be appreciated :) 

I'm excited in this transition for the many possibilities, but also hesitant. Being 3.5 hrs away from the nearest family member has been made easier living with another person- there's always the certainty of seeing someone else, outside of working hours. This move reminds me of the fact that there are more connections to be made and stretches me out of the box that I've placed myself in. This move reminds me that I should be more connected to a church than work and once a week. 

These are some prevailing thoughts at the moment. Some worries and anxiety, but also a great opportunity to choose to make some changes with the inevitable changes that the move will create. I have to take this next step and trust that God will continue to be faithful. I hope that I don't miss opportunities in this area and through this move. I pray that I see beyond my concerns and see the concerns of others and how to use what God has given me to reach those around me. 

Dairy reflections.... Whole 30 Re-intro

Dairy was the first food I reintroduced. I had half and half in coffee, cheese at lunch, and froyo for an afternoon snack!

How did it go?

Half and Half: I did not notice any difference except that I was more aware of all of my senses since I knew I was supposed to be looking for my body reacting to dairy.

Cheese: a few hours later after having some with lunch I got a killer headache- although I also wonder if that had to do with the fact that I was outside in freezing rain doing car duty and probably needed to hydrate more. I'll probably give it a try after the reintroduction to see if it was the culprit of the headache, because I do like my cheese.

Froyo: Besides the fact that my stomach was making some noise and I could feel it working, most likely from not having dairy for a month, didn't have any other reactions.

I noticed that I "might" get bloated from Dairy. I checked the scale and was up a few lbs than the lowest of this process, but again I think a lot of this might be from paranoia... I'll definitely be more conscious as I eat foods normally and might have an idea of what to avoid.


Other life tidbits outside whole 30: I got a manicure and pedicure since I got my first accompanying paycheck, am still looking at apartment situations, and life continues on. I will most likely update more about my routine once Whole 30's reintroduction is done.

Day 29 updates for Whole 30 looking at Reintroduction

I'm on day 29... the magical number of 30 is reached tomorrow and I have shopping for the transition into reintroduction.

Some thoughts as I head into this phase. I am going to attempt to still ward off sugar, but I might loosen up on not making food paleo-approved. That is on the program you are supposed to try to stay away from modified foods that you might crave when allowed to eat whatever you want. For me one thing that I was tempted to make dealt with breakfast. So on day 31, I currently plan on having banana pancakes with coconut whipped cream and fruit.... and since it is dairy reintroduction half and half in my coffee. Then 2 days back to whole 30 then onto gluten grains and so forth.

I have my gluten grain day planned out. Still figuring out details for legumes and non gluten grains, but you know there's time to plan.

It will be interesting to see how this phase takes place and see how foods are affecting my body after the detox.

Up to Day 16...

Week 2:

Day 8:
Breakfast: Eggs & Asparagus
Lunch: Panera Asian Sesame Chicken Salad modified
Dinner: Eggs, Asparagus & Sweet Potato
Extras: Coffee and Larabar

Today was a good day. The biggest highlight was probably going with Hannah to Pet Smart and picking up the newest addition to the house I live in, Avery. She is a chocolate lab and is very loving and affectionate.

Today food-wise- Had eggs a lot more than usual today, so I'm looking forward to more variety... have to plan to do so... the next few days. Also I picked up coffee beans today and was undercharged for them, so I need to go back to the store to pay the difference. Speaking of coffee I made my second batch of coconut creamer today... it already looks like more of a success than last week. Time will tell!

Day 9/10

Less about food and more about how I felt. So Day 9 I woke up not feeling the greatest- had a sore throat, slight headache (possible fever), and my digestion was off. I called to talk with my Mom and she was good to keep on track with Whole 30... when I really just wanted to get some processed medication that I was certain would magically fix everything. She also recommended less coconut... which means that after the coffee I had morning of day 9 I haven't had coffee and until I feel completely on the mend won't have coffee. I made soup and actually will probably make soup more often to use what vegetables are left at the end of each week.

Day 10, woke up feeling slightly better. Got some tea- made breakfast... went to school where I did have some ibuprofen. I probably will before I sleep as well. Tonight I did make some zucchini with beef and cauliflower filling that was tasty and I look forward to having again. Also there is talk of snow in the area so I may have a day this week, or at the least some extra time, to recuperate and get over this cold/flu/feeling awfulness that I've had. But hey, here's to sticking with it when all I want is chicken noodle soup, ginger ale, and still teaching (when I would just like to stay at home).

On a happy note/challenging note: I've been invited to go to NYC on Saturday. I am super excited, but that may mean that, snow dependent, I might need to ask for a substitute, and I will have to be creative in meals for 24+ hours and will have multiple temptations *ahem Starbucks* at every corner. On a positive note it's Wicked so I'm extra motivated to make it happen!

Days 11-16... School Days, NYC, etc

I am still Whole 30 Compliant... I managed to get Whole 30 approved meals in the city, and finished up planned meals from the week.

To be honest- right now I am exhausted... partly due to the fact that I was a bit stressed about trying to figure out where to go with lessons today, partly the trip is catching up. The show was great, but the weather was not the greatest and although I sleep alright on the bus I'm finding I could use better sleep in my own bed. I'll get there!

Whole 30- Week 1 Reflections...

Day 1:

Breakfast- Asparagus Frittata

Lunch- Spaghetti Squash, Tomatoes, Chicken

Dinner- Coconut Strawberry Smoothie

Snack- Cinnamon Pears

Extras: 2 cups of coffee... one hot, one iced- both with homemade coconut creamer

I woke up not feeling the best. A little stuffed up and had issues getting to bed the night before... and thus began Whole 30. I was not the most enthusiastic to have breakfast to make, but after seeing my housemate had put up my name to cross off and I got some coffee in my system I was ready to go.

Before today, I had planned breakfast and lunch. Later after checking out a house to rent, then going to church *Yup on a Saturday, I accompany at a church on Sundays*, I finally planned meals this week and had a plan to shop. I should be set until I begin week 2. 

Having a smoothie, albeit more tricky than usual (I made the coconut milk in the recipe), always lifts my mood and gave me the final amount of energy to close the day. At this moment, right before bed, I am de-stressing from talking about renting next year and trying to wrap my head around my budget. I don't know that I will be able to see all the factors, so I just need to do what I can each day and let God orchestrate situations that would work for me and allow me to see them as good options. 

Day 2:
Breakfast: Hot Pumpkin Cereal
Lunch: Slow Cooker Pork Roast, Sweet Potatoes, Steamed Broccoli Was taken out to lunch :) Got Lemon Pepper Tilapia, Shrimp, and Salad
Dinner: Spaghetti Squash, Tomatoes, Chicken Completed Pork Roast that I had planned for lunch
Snack- Cinnamon Pears/ Coconut Cream Pie Larabar/ Handful of Almonds
Extras: 1 cup of coffee w/ coconut creamer and found myself drinking more water today

This morning I woke up ready to try Hot Pumpkin Cereal. It's one of the recipes this week that I wasn't sure what to expect... and it took my tastebuds and some more shredded coconut to get going. What a boost in energy! The one thing I discovered about that meal is that it's really filling and for someone who has eaten light in the mornings I might need a smaller serving. Other reactions to food throughout the day weren't too drastic. I realized at one point, looking over the meal template, that there wasn't a spot for snacks that I had automatically placed in- oops. I don't feel too bad though because my body is adjusting to healthier changes 24/7 for the next 30 days so if my snack is a healthier option, at least for this week, I'm not going to be too hard on myself.

Mainly today was my Sunday routine. Drink coffee, eat breakfast, do devotionals and then usually listen to hymns on youtube, that I'll be playing in church that day, to double check tempi while checking emails and facebook... Goal for next week read... knit... anything other than obsessively check those places.
Triumph: Hannah asked if I had a headache and I honestly said no and once I said that it seemed like my body decided that's what it wanted to do, but after drinking some water no more issues.
Foe: Boiling/Peeling Eggs... The pot did not want to boil and once I got to peeling the eggs I destroyed many of them which will make it interesting when trying to use them for salads.

Final thought- between a lack of sleep or the change of nutrition I am ready to sleep at a more appropriate time. Hopefully I have a restful sleep for what promises to be a fun day after having Tuesday-Friday as snow days for the students and me (except Friday- "optional" work day that I worked... I was going a little stir crazy).

Day 4:
Breakfast: Frittata
Lunch: Spinach Salad w/ Raisins, Almonds, Strawberries, and Pork Roast Meat
Dinner: Pork Roast, Sweet Potato, and Broccoli
Extras: Coffee, and 2 Larabars- one after lunch and one after dinner

Today was a rough start. Once I got coffee in my system and started moving things got better, but I could definitely sense the change of energy stores. I had energy throughout most of the day, but noticed that it was more subdued than usual.

I got to choir rehearsal and reached the point where I was tired. I got back home and should have gone to bed, but instead stayed up a bit which led to it taking longer for me to get to sleep. Particularly with my habit of reading before bed, which at the moment is finishing It Starts With Food and as always the Bible.

Day 5:
Breakfast: Frittata
Lunch: Spaghetti Squash w/ Tomatoes and Chicken
Dinner: Strawberry Coconut Smoothie
Extras: Coffee, 2 Larabars, Nuts, and Hard boiled egg*

Today I felt at points that I was in a fog. After I finished teaching my last class of the day I was just ready to breathe, relax, and regroup, but I had car duty- which I managed to do with a cheerful attitude. Today I was a little more strict with kids, which I felt bad about, but got some amazing pictures and an apology note from the one class that was having a lot of issues listening.

Once I got to the faculty meeting I was ready for some time to breathe and saw the grab what you want candy dish, which wasn't too tempting since I wasn't facing towards it, but there was the realization that if I were staring at it throughout the meeting that it would've been so easy to give in and resulted in extra extras*. Mainly today and yesterday I'm realizing a loss of a source of energy and at this point I'm thinking it's from the sugar intake I normally have. I'm hoping that the transition to a healthier source happens soon because I am beat. I also hope that I continue to sleep well and on that note I'm ending notes for today since I'm starting to yawn... about an hour earlier that where I would reach this exhaustion before whole 30. I truly feel that this whole sleeping longer is for the best.

Day 6 and Day 7...

Didn't keep up with documenting so well... but I completed the first week. I find I'm sleeping better and have only looked at banana pancakes as something to make that I probably shouldn't since it's a food I wanted before.

Also- just out of interest I weighed myself (on day 8... more in the next post) to see what this week meant weight-wise and I'm down 2 lbs. 4.5 lbs more than I was when I graduated high school and the food is tasty, I'll take it. 

Whole 30 begins... and life continues...

In February I begin to undertake Whole 30. To clarify, Whole 30 is a "nutritional eating challenge (created by Whole9 in 2009) that focuses on eating a paleo based diet"*. It's based on a diet, but from what I've read, and from discussions with my roommate (who just completed Whole30 in January), it's more about detoxing your body from all of the processed materials in food and focusing on getting the nutrition you need.

Further note: At this point (I weighed myself this morning) I am 6.5 lbs heavier than I was when I graduated high school, which I consider to be a healthy weight. This is not for losing weight, although that is a possibility- I'll include that in reflecting on the process. 

I look forward to this focused month+ (February's short) of eating healthy and am excited to see what new recipes I enjoy. It will also be a interesting challenge with all of the Valentine's Day goodies that will be around this month. Today on day 1, I am finding an alternative to coffee creamer (you're not supposed to go with substitutions, but this might have to be my exception) with coconut milk, eggs, and coconut oil. Granted I started this yesterday, because I had ran out of coffee creamer, but I find today that I am accepting the taste of it and there's no sugar in it! For me that's a big deal- I like my coffee sweetened.

Beyond the food, I am hoping to make this a month of detoxing other areas of my life, as well as enhancing my life. I'm hoping to have more reading (really want to make sure I'm track with my group to read the bible in a year), knitting, and exercise this month, and less tv, facebook, online games, etc.  Furthermore with extra income, that is not taking my piano lesson money to get special treats for myself such as coffee, fast food, etc, I'll be more focused on getting a nice camera- I'm hoping I'll be able to get it by my birthday this summer (maybe sooner, if I get a job I'm hoping to get this summer- prayer about that would be great and I have the information that I'm in the final stages of the interview process and it would be amazing- would be a great opportunity to take tons of pictures).

That's life right now and I hope to keep everyone more updated with the challenges and insight gained this month.

*from thenakedplate.org

Being filled with joy, thankful, patience... well-known verse making a new impact this week!

"We ask God to give you complete knowledge of his will and to give you spiritual wisdom and understanding. 10 Then the way you live will always honor and please the Lord, and your lives will produce every kind of good fruit. All the while, you will grow as you learn to know God better and better.11 We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy,[c] 12 always thanking the Father. He has enabled you to share in the inheritance that belongs to his people, who live in the light."

Colossians 1:10-12

This morning I read these verses and as I read them I felt the power of prayer through them. I have used these verses to encourage others and I have always felt prayerful for other people through them. Today, I felt that they encouraged me personally in my own walk like never before. 

It's amazing how verses that you have grown up reading can have a powerful impact from a change of perspective. 

Without complaining and grumbling

"Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless."

Philippians 2:14-16

Lately that verse has been really convicting and I have had it weigh on my spirit. This is my 2014 New Years Resolution/Challenge. I have found that in recent years my go to when the going gets tough is to complain and argue that situation. I have looked/still look to blame rather than find a solution to difficulties. I have found that from this complaining attitude it has further turned into discontentment and bitterness. I have found that complaining quickly can turn into gossip to take attention away from myself. 

I've been seeking to have more thankfulness, contentment (which I have found that circumstantially I've gained more of), and gratitude in the little things while ignoring the source that feeds into everything else. I'm seeking to look at challenging situations with an honest perspective that I may grow instead of skewing difficulties to protect my pride.

My complaints have obscured my view of the good that God is doing in my life. My complaints have led to a more pessimistic outlook on life.

My complaints have hindered me. 

This will probably be one of my most challenging resolutions that I've posted... and in many ways I feel the rewards of holding to it will outweigh the gains of previous years. 

For those following along: please keep me accountable... check in on me... keep me from ingratitude and gossip. 

Growing Endurance...

Yesterday, I officially registered for a half-marathon. Today I went to the pool to get some cross training in. I noticed today that the swim was easier than it has been since I began going to the pool in the area. I got in and swam 500 yards. I was so comfortable with my breathing and had gained strength in my ability to endure. The final 50 yards I sprinted.

I began to reflect on this and realized as I have grown in my endurance in the swimming pool, and running, the past few weeks I have grown in my endurance at challenges that life has thrown at me. Last week I had a day that right from the beginning seemed to be full of challenges: my alarm didn't go off, had a wardrobe malfunction in my first class (fixed it before it got awkward), did not have a substitute accept the job for the afternoon I was out for a teacher workshop, figuring out substitute/class details for that afternoon made me late for aforementioned workshop... and made me miss lunch. At one point while I was in the midst of everything appearing to fail that day I had a moment where I realized years, months, maybe even days prior, I may have easily cried and really stressed out from it all, but I didn't. I knew that there was no point and I continued on with my day.

The past few years have not been easy. In many ways I had a plan and vision of what my life would be... and that's what it was. I felt that there were blessings in the steps I took to follow my plan and that God had planted that plan. After completing my Masters I was searching for what's next and did not have any insight into any details. I applied to so many different jobs, many of them jobs that made sense and were easy to imagine what life would be like. I knew what churches would be possibilities... I knew housing arrangements... I knew I would continue to grow in friendships...

God redirected my plan and before I reached the job and place I live now there were many trials that I had to endure. I had to grow through the endurance to persevere instead of let it devastate me. Trials exchanged optimism and hope with doubt, insecurity, and despair. Trials took me to the darkest places I had yet faced.

Without those trials I don't know that I would have moved to NC. The way that God orchestrated the move had me less involved in planning and details than usual... he orchestrated them. I learning more and more to do my part but to count on his strength. At this point I am discovering God's vision for my life and am so busy in that discovery that I have not created any personal life goals or plans. I am being drawn back to seeking God for those answers and growing in the process.

I am reorienting my conviction that God has the best for me and that all the doors closed in the past few years had a purpose. In the past few years the message "I have not brought you thus far to be kept on a shelf" has been spoken to me in two separate prophetic words. I am learning to continued to expect God to provide for my needs and provide opportunities to bless others. Instead of creating my own plan I am pursuing what God's plan is for my life. God has not left me to collect dust and I am excited to see his plan for me in NC.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

Living in North Carolina... updates from the move

Sunday I left NY at 6 am, with Dad, and we drove all the way to NC. The car handled the trip, although somewhere a hub cap was lost... oops!

It would take a lot of time to be really specific, so instead I'll just give an overview of highlights thus far.

Monday- Found a place to live (includes a great music colleague and a puppy)
Tuesday- First day of Orientation- slow morning and speedy afternoon
Wednesday- Got into my classroom after a tour of the school- excited about all of the resources
Thursday- Final day of orientation- got my teacher id- finally got an overview of all the paperwork that needs to be done to be set in the district.... and went to the farmers market and got fresh peaches!
... I also stopped by a shop nearby that has a lot of crafts for sale, coffee, and is a supermarket- also has lounging area and games in there, like a coffee shop I liked to visit in Potsdam. I think I may have found a working nook :)

...also I'm not noticing the accents so much here, but noticing it when talking to people in NY... I might come back in December with a drawl... time will tell.

My Unrelated Family

I am truly blessed with the quirky loving family I have. I have also been blessed having that family extend into more siblings, parents, and nieces and nephews, whom I'm not related to.

This past week I uploaded some videos of my Dad, and his friend Keith, playing music and tagged my family and the Moore family to get them connected. Over the weekend I went over to the Fords and got to see everyone and the kids. With all of these events it hit me that I associate these people and many more from growing up as family.

When a friend of mine, who was a guy, come over to the Moore camp for snow sledding, Keith asked him if he needed the "porch talk". Working at Beaver Camp, seeing Teresa Zehr in the kitchen and working with, swimming with, and being reminded of responsibility working with the kitchen staff, felt like I hadn't left home and I was working with family. Going to the Fords felt very natural, even though there was a larger group of people (which I can get overwhelmed with). I felt relaxed, peaceful, and didn't feel any pressure to impress.

Looking at this I can honestly say that I have been blessed in having a great non-biological family growing up where I did. I had extra parents and siblings in the Moore, Zehr, and Ford family (there may be families that I'm not thinking of right now- I'll probably add to the list). I gained family working at Beaver Camp and church.

Approaching 2013 I look forward to continuing to spend time with my family, related and unrelated, and endeavor to be as much of a blessing to them as they are to me.

From going to several weddings...

... I have continually been reminded of the fact that I'm single. Not by the wedding itself. I am usually happy at weddings seeing friends of mine tying the knot. I'm thinking through how beautiful the bride looks and how great the husband is that got her. I'm looking at all the decoration and celebrating the day. But inevitably at one point someone who doesn't know me, that I meet, or hasn't seen me in a while will ask if I have a boyfriend (that just couldn't make it to the wedding) and when I respond no I get one of two responses.

The first response is a bit of sympathy and the "Oh, you'll meet someone in your own time". Usually followed by "you're still young" and long story short many such cliche phrases trying to make me feel better about the apparent evil in my life.

The second response is "what's wrong with you?" "Why aren't you?"... the blame response. The you must be working out of your way not to be in a relationship or there must be something so wrong with you that no one wants you.

Side note: The flower bouquet throw does not help the plight of singles at weddings... and for gents if the garter is included same for you!

This is where I have come across this reaction the most strongly, but I have also found it in other aspects of life. Specifically in my current job and location it has led to a "hmm... I don't like my son's girlfriend- you seem nice".

There are multiple references to two becoming one in marriage, but I think that societies have warped this to mean that outside of a couple you're only half a person. Relationships are an enigma of math- it takes 1 + 1 = 1 couple (so I guess you could say 2 people within that one unit!). Being outside of that unit, I have felt that to make the math work literally I've been perceived as 1/2 a person that needs the other half to be completed.

To be clear: I do hope to be married someday. I do hope to be in a couple and share a life with someone. I just wonder when sharing a life turned into not having an acceptable one if you weren't involved in someone else's.

In Eat, Pray, Love there's a discussion of balance throughout. I feel that I am balanced and that I have work to do in my single state that otherwise would be more difficult with other demands that a relationship would place. There are so many opportunities that I have with job opportunities, being an aunt to an adorable niece, helping out with the fall play in the area, focusing on teaching, and enough to  focus on that I am content and not "awakening love until it so desires"(mentioned numerous times in Songs of Solomon). 

I used to just think that the idolizing boys than men starting in tweens through life was just a struggle that women go through. I have began to realize that's it's beyond the supposition that it's a part of girls growing up, but integrally being told (particularly women) that in order to be a complete balanced person you should be entered into marriage and raising children. 

Coming from my faith in Christianity, you see how Paul says that "it's better that they remain so" for singles. Specifically there is more time and more that can be done for God's glory when not concerned to pleasing a significant other and all that marriage brings with it. An interesting perception I have seen is that it's more acceptable for men to be single in ministry than a women single in ministry. Furthermore a women who is single in ministry, and I have seen this with men less often, is being pushed towards becoming a couple and raising Godly children. I'm not saying that raising Godly children is an unworthy calling. What I'm saying is that I believe that there is a calling and a plentiful harvest that some women are being called to before they enter the entity of marriage. 

To clarify: I'm not a feminist thinking that women need to have more than a husband or family (or need to be perceived equally with men in workforce, etc). Someday I hope to be a wife and mother, but I refuse to give in and believe that before that I am only to continually be pursuing that relationship and living an incomplete life. My primary pursuit needs to be where the harvest is, where God would have me be an impact to a community and blessing. I need to be pursuing a place where my energy and strengths are edifying the church and growing in relationship with Christ. 

Contentment is full of continually choosing...

"My life is really quite simple

My life is just what I make it

I think you think I'm seeing 

Only things I want to see

The truth is that I'm being

Who I wanna be"

Things aren't exactly how I envisioned they would be. Many unexpected circumstances have occurred the past few months, weeks, even days that have mainly been bad. In the midst of these circumstances I have been stressed, anxious, bitter, but gladly have reached the realization to look my face in reality and trust that God has a plan. I have chosen to be thankful for what I have rather than longing after my envisioned future. I have chosen to learn from situations where I have been wronged rather than linger in the wounds and hurt of those situations.

The quote listed above is from Beautiful by the Go-Go's. It's a song that I love to belt out driving around, but today it hit me in a new way. The whole song is acknowledging the beauty that each person is and acknowledging that you have a choice to look at life positively. There are tough circumstances and disappointments, many of them (for me) seem to be happening currently and continuously. I can continue to mope and let them get to me or I can continue to seek how blessed I am and trust that this is a season and not forever.

I am choosing to rejoice that I have a substitute job, apartment, supportive friends and family, and that God has provided for me (and continues to provide) financially. I am choosing to look for what is going right in life rather than the hiccups in life. I am choosing to remember verses that have spoken to me in the best times to still be applicable in the stressful and bleak times. I am choosing to see the beauty in the current season and time I am in. I am choosing to look for the opportunities that God has for me now, rather than long for some time in the future and loose the blessings of today. Carpe Diem. I want to seize the day and be an impact in whatever time I have in wherever God places me. I am choosing to remember that God sees the full plan and has a better plan for my life than I can imagine in my human capacity.

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope God's work from beginning to end." -Ecclesiastes 3:11

"Delay is not denial"...

This week I found out that I was not chosen for a job that I had very high hopes of getting. I'll be honest. I've cried quite a few times, I've been angry, I've thrown my phone, and I've been disappointed. In true Emily fashion I've also then looked at all the things in my life that could make this situation worse and have gotten super stressed.

Yesterday, I called my identical twin sister (she went south- I went north- She's from Jamaica) and she said the very words that this post is titled, "Delay is not denial." The main gist of what she told me is that God has something for me, but I'm still in the waiting phase. I can agree with it, but also have to admit that I'm tired. I'm exhausted and in tough shape. My endless joy, that is usually effortless, is almost non-existent and to keep happy I have to exert what little energy I have left. I have truly reached a point that God's strength needs to be my own. He needs to carry me, as mentioned in the Footprints poem. I'm boasting in my weakness and praying that God's strength is there and carries me through.

Tomorrow, my family is having a get together to celebrate my brother's birthday and my sister's job/going away party. I want to celebrate with them, but know that in my family's support system, paired with my vulnerability, that I could easily reach a point of stress and tears. I want to go, but need the strength to go.

Today a friend posted this verse which is perfect for where I currently am:
‎"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9

It's a command to be strong and courageous, because God is with me. At this point it's very difficult to see God working in my life. There are multiple testimonies in my past of his provision for me and I've seen him prepare the way for me. Right now- I'm not seeing it and I have to admit I've been spoiled from job to job and being blessed in transitions. This next transition has the stress of loans and I'm not seeing what God is doing or where I'm going.

This is a gist of where I am at and any prayers sent my way would be greatly appreciated.

Triathlon Training during the waiting...

Waiting to hear back from a job interview when you constantly are informed on more information gets a little stressful...

... on the other hand: training for the triathlon provides a great distraction. Last year the biggest disappointment, but also the greatest mental growth experience, was the biking portion. My bike first had issues within the first 3 miles, probably closer to 2. As I kept going I realized there wasn't really any tread, which continued to make me want to stop going. I completed it (took longer than it should have) and with it felt accomplished to have done so. This year I have a dependable bike so I'm excited to be dropping tons of time in that portion! With that being said I have to use the next few days to get used to it since I'm borrowing it from my sister. That and the next few days I want to be as active as possible without overdoing it!

The more active I am I find the less stressed I am- I tend to have a different focus. I find the same to be true in life. If I focus on other activity and things that I can do today rather than what tomorrow may bring I'm more content and find I'm more prepared for tomorrow. That and I'm exhausted more easily and sleep better! On that note: I feel like an old woman going to bed early, but I'm doing it any way! That's a quick update for now!