The past few weeks a few of my students have been bringing up that I'm single numerous times. Three mentioned two specific people. My initial reaction, to be honest, was to roll my eyes and uncomfortably tell them to change the subject. This week it hit me why they were bringing it up and what bothered me about it and I found the opportunity to talk to them about it (and am continuing to process through it).
They care about me. They see that I'm worth being in a relationship, the "happily ever after" that they're aspiring to have for themselves. They see that end as being the best thing that can happen to me.
What bothers me about it is that, in my opinion, it's focusing on the wrong thing.
Three scenarios, including singleness, came to mind that I shared with my students after asking some questions and articulating that I sense that they care for me.
I started with "Do I seem happy?" In both cases, two different students and two different classes, responded that they saw me as being happy (which I'm glad, since that's how I've felt more often than not). I followed rhetorically, "Besides, being single what do you know about that situation for me?" I went on to kindly tell them that they don't know if I just got out of a bad relationship, if I'm frustrated with dating and taking time for myself, if I'm widowed/divorced, if I plan to remain single my entire life, etc... explaining it's not black and white.
I also brought up married couples I know that have a situation I've seen many times. The inevitable, "When are you going to have kids?/Are you having any more kids?/You have how many kids? You have too many/few kids?" I have some friends that are content in never having kids, some struggling to conceive, some miscarrying... the list goes on. I went to explain that unless I was close enough to them to have them invite me into that part of their lives, that assumptions or even questions coming from a place of caring could be harmful. Each couple has a decision to make and their decision should be supported... if you don't know their story, seek to support what you know of it and be open to them sharing, but not demanding that they share it.
The other situation I referred to is that of pregnant woman. The unasked touching of their bellies, the "you must be having twins," the call being made that they're "too big/small" for how far along they must be, the explaining of labor (some cases without experience), etc... I reminded students again that it's important to help make the pregnant woman feel supported, encourage the new dad/ growing family, and that their interactions could bring joy to them or stress.
I closed telling students that for me, in my singleness, if I want them to be "matchmakers" for me that it's a call for me to make, not them... I reiterated that I saw that interest as a sign that they care and that I appreciate that they care. I told them until/unless I invited them to that to seek to find ways to show that care by encouraging me in continuing to make choices that make me happy in life rather than making the assumption that something different would make me "happier" or "happiest." I reminded them to seek to always encourage those in their life that they care about to continue to be happy and that if they saw signs of unhappiness/depression that those are signs to step in and make changes.
When mentioning this to another staff member, she mentioned the life lessons for the students and I realized that this is something that goes beyond students. The majority of the scenarios dealing with pregnant women and couples with/without kids have been from adults. I doubt that my students came up with "matchmaking" on their own. These are cases that using the blanket "it's because I care," many people say things that can harm and hurt people that they care about.
I know that for myself this was a reminder to seek to encourage growth in others around me through a caring way, to allow them the space to share what they want to share, and to seek not to do/say things out of care that can hurt more than they can help.
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