Musings on Life...

This Sunday is my final Sunday as the Coordinator of Youth Ministries... 

...and it feels quite strange that it will be over. 

This past Sunday I was able to go to Panera Bread with one of the youth and answer some big questions and catch up on her life and catch her up on mine. Meeting with her was a reminder of why I enjoy ministry. Each bit of wisdom that I give to another person is usually a way for God to speak to me as well. In my time in Rochester that job has created more opportunity to connect to people than I have in a while. 

For a while, I've felt that my life (spiritually, relational, career, etc) has been stagnant and dry. Within the past few weeks God has shown me that he is still faithful and is still working in me. The biggest change that I'm discovering is I'm developing more compassion, and with that more tears. I'm discovering that, in spite of the fact that I have been lamenting separation from and a less numerous number of friendships, God has given me some great friends. Career-wise: I've been getting a lot of emails stating no interviews (applying all over) and now it seems like I'm getting quite a few interviews in one specific area. Now to see if that is where God would have me go. 

I was speaking with my youth about God's will and following it and as I reflect I am amazed that God was speaking this also to me. I told her that you have to look for opportunities available, use God-given passions, and pursue them. If God would have you do something else he would close those opportunities. God may be glorified in many ways as long as he is being pursued before your pursuits. As I've been hearing a lot of doors closing, or not seeing opportunities or growth, it's so easy to become frustrated and think that God isn't moving. The truth is, in those times, those disappointments are what have lead me to God's great provision for me. 

God knows plans he has for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and I just need to continue to trust in them. Another topic I mentioned is that in going forward into future endeavors is to remember that God is God. In my tendency to plan and pursue I think about what work I can do, when the fact is God is going to allow me to prosper and fail as he sees fit. God really spoke this to me with resumes and my portfolio: I was stressing about making it spectacular (and not getting the results that I wanted with some aspects of it) and realized I am to put forth my best effort, but to acknowledge that God is going to orchestrate the results.

Tomorrow I have an interview (outfit below- I feel like an adult!). I'm putting together my best and trusting God to take care of the rest. This Sunday is going to be difficult saying goodbye to a job God provided to me. I need to remember to cling to the hope, and God's promise, that he will provide for me in my future.

From windows to doors...

I completed my Masters a few weeks ago, which is exciting but, at the same time, daunting. Loans are about to kick in soon and not having a financial cushion can create stress from time to time. With that financial stress, and the fact that I'm done with school (for now), it's time to make choices of where to go from here.

My realization, as of maybe 5 minutes ago, is during my time at school I've been able to live in a room with windows. I've been able to take part in a little of everything in the structure of school. I feel like I haven't really haven't had to walk through doors, past choosing to get my Masters in Rochester. I've been able to have some stability (apartment, classes, part time job,etc) with some spontaneity (traveling, missions trip, visiting family, etc). To bring it back to the title's analogy: I walked through the door in a room (Rochester) and feel like I've stayed in the room poking my head out through windows (both stability and spontaneity). At this point I feel that another door is about to be opened and I find that I'm fearful that the door I take will be either stability or spontaneity. Whatever option I take will limit stability or spontaneity.

Specifically I feel that there are three paths ahead of me and I'm looking for peace that God will give or take away those opportunities. The first is teaching music like I've studied for the past six and a half years. This path I could easily see closed more easily than the others, which is a little sad but I also see the potential of privately teaching. The second path is still teaching, but doing so abroad. I would love being the international instead of the native helping international individuals get used to America. I could teach English or Music in English (I've seen some postings). The third is taking a full-time job that will pay the bills and would make me wonder why I spent all those years studying music in the first place. There's always the wonder of how much I would enjoy one of those jobs, even though I've done work similar part-time in the past.

In each of these paths I find myself constantly discounting why I shouldn't go with them and constantly going in circles with them. One of these paths I have an interview with on Tuesday, which is exciting but I know I would personally interview better if I hold onto the positive aspects of that path. I feel a bit bi-polar with my feelings about these paths. I have to keep reminding myself that God has been faithful to open and close doors in the past and that he is preparing a way for me. I think another thought that continually comes up is trying to find the path that is God's better rather than what is just good. (Yes, a Martha and Mary reference... seems to continually be at war). I have to remember that God will make all things work together for my good and do my bit so that he can be glorified. In my weakness, confusion, and shifting, I pray that God is my strength and is glorified.

Rambling thoughts about what's next... catching up the present

Update time: I've officially completed all of my coursework for my Masters! At the end of August they'll officially list that I have my Masters in Music Education and then I'll receive my diploma. The job at the church I've had is done at the end of July for many reasons. It's bittersweet, but exciting at the same time to see what God has for me next! On that note... ... I have been applying to numerous teaching jobs and am beginning to apply to jobs in general. Through this process I continue to battle myself. Spending a significant amount of money in the Music Education field, I find that I'm drawn to actually using that degree. At the same time, teaching English abroad is enticing. As of today, a job that interacts with settling people into housing is appealing. The biggest thing I'm finding more and more is that I need to do what is required for opportunities and need to trust that God will open and close doors as necessary. In the job that he makes possible I need to seek where he would have me minister in that area. Currently I'm home for my sister's wedding. This time home I find that I'm seeing this area in a way that I've never perceived it. I have had some rose-colored glasses on this place for some time and have started to see brokenness and faults of the area that I'd never seen before. My emotions have been stirred up like never before realizing some of the brutality of people's nature not even five minutes from my parent's. I'm realizing that I need to step back and watch God work...