I completed my Masters a few weeks ago, which is exciting but, at the same time, daunting. Loans are about to kick in soon and not having a financial cushion can create stress from time to time. With that financial stress, and the fact that I'm done with school (for now), it's time to make choices of where to go from here.
My realization, as of maybe 5 minutes ago, is during my time at school I've been able to live in a room with windows. I've been able to take part in a little of everything in the structure of school. I feel like I haven't really haven't had to walk through doors, past choosing to get my Masters in Rochester. I've been able to have some stability (apartment, classes, part time job,etc) with some spontaneity (traveling, missions trip, visiting family, etc). To bring it back to the title's analogy: I walked through the door in a room (Rochester) and feel like I've stayed in the room poking my head out through windows (both stability and spontaneity). At this point I feel that another door is about to be opened and I find that I'm fearful that the door I take will be either stability or spontaneity. Whatever option I take will limit stability or spontaneity.
Specifically I feel that there are three paths ahead of me and I'm looking for peace that God will give or take away those opportunities. The first is teaching music like I've studied for the past six and a half years. This path I could easily see closed more easily than the others, which is a little sad but I also see the potential of privately teaching. The second path is still teaching, but doing so abroad. I would love being the international instead of the native helping international individuals get used to America. I could teach English or Music in English (I've seen some postings). The third is taking a full-time job that will pay the bills and would make me wonder why I spent all those years studying music in the first place. There's always the wonder of how much I would enjoy one of those jobs, even though I've done work similar part-time in the past.
In each of these paths I find myself constantly discounting why I shouldn't go with them and constantly going in circles with them. One of these paths I have an interview with on Tuesday, which is exciting but I know I would personally interview better if I hold onto the positive aspects of that path. I feel a bit bi-polar with my feelings about these paths. I have to keep reminding myself that God has been faithful to open and close doors in the past and that he is preparing a way for me. I think another thought that continually comes up is trying to find the path that is God's better rather than what is just good. (Yes, a Martha and Mary reference... seems to continually be at war). I have to remember that God will make all things work together for my good and do my bit so that he can be glorified. In my weakness, confusion, and shifting, I pray that God is my strength and is glorified.
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