Now I told myself that I would not get vulnerable online- that is on a blog, that if people honestly wanted to know they could ask me... well today I guess I don't really care or figure that if people are looking here they're taking the extra step...
... the past few days have been difficult for me. I have not been able to find the motivation to do the work that I have to do. Partly I have found the task, a research paper for a professor that has very high expectations, to be a little overwhelming and have become homesick. Granted during one of my homesick bits I came to the realization that the next time I go home is Thanksgiving, which is after the paper, which brought on more homesickness/depression bit. Also as I have been working people have been asking me specifically if teaching is what the plan is and frankly I don't know if that's what I'm being called to after I get my Masters... which brings me to more of a lack of motivation for courses for my Masters work. I also realized with all the jobs that I have I could be financially stable, but instead find that I am getting more debt for school and these doubts keep coming up. That and although I am starting to get the feel of the job- the job makes me feel grown up and realize that certain parts of my life may be over... specifically my time at Beaver Camp... I know that I can't be there forever, but I think that my optimism never allowed for the chance truly that there was the possibility of not returning. I don't tend to cry... well I have and probably will continue to do so... also I found it was difficult knowing that my sister was trying on wedding gowns with my other sister and mom... while I was here not being able to motivate myself to do the work that I should be doing... there is a connection between my sense of failure, emotions, and changes- that and I find that I am discontent when I am bored/ not doing work that should be done- unmotivated!
On the upside- I got back to typing and got the summary done for another one of my articles and plan on tackling the paper this week and then handing it in on the following! That and although I don't know what's happening with my Masters God has been faithful and supporting me here in Rochester. I have to hold onto that fact rather than let myself get overwhelmed, and then further behind. As for Beaver Camp I just have to trust that God knows what he's doing, he'll provide me with the strength and peace about it, or change circumstances to make it happen... I have to stop trying to control the situation and acknowledge his plans
two highlights of the weekend:
-went to woman's night and had a craving to watch 27 dresses so I watched it with two wonderful women- that is how I took advantage of the extra hour! ;)
-after moving a bunch of stuff for the rummage sale *this Saturday- yikes!* everyone that helped out shared joys and concerns and there was such a peace and community in the youth group and parents that had helped out... I am excited to continue to be a part of it! :)
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